A Blog About Things that don't need blogging
OK so i know none of you are interested on how i became me. So ive decided to blog about it anyway. I am Dean, and im gonna share you a few random events about when i was little. If you are sensitive to nercophylia please do not read on. actually there is nothing about necrophylia on this blog, but i dont want necro’s reading my page.
So like, my first memory was when i was 1 years old, and might be the starting point of my downfall in intelligence and social status, so feel free to laugh all you want. Ok so i was in this baby pusher thing, u kno the ones u sit it and move ur legs to make it move. well lets just say my mum was doing my nut in and i decided to run about like hussain bolt on steriods with a unicorn up his butt. So yeah i was going real fast and then hit this wall, and i flew headfirst into a wall and almost broke my face. My parents thought it was hilarious and mega lolled so hard that their tongues look like they were doing the jitterbug.
when i was 3 i decided i was old enough to shave my face, and wanted to impress this older woman of 4 that i was awesome and grown up and stuff. i cut open my face and still have a scar on my chin, my parents did not find this funny cuz they didnt want the carpet to be red, and took me to the hospital. Lets just say if i was born a little later i would be on epicfail.com with a 5 star rating. So maybe i wasnt a total hit with the ladies from the minute go, i mean the bitch wdnt even share her bean bag with me after that!
When i was 5 i was like in this new house, and i thought that now i was older i shud take care of the house. Like one day right, i spilt this drink on the floor, and thought my mum was gonna go nuts and inject an STD into my face, so i took my mums hair dryer and put it on the carpet to dry it up. Ive never had any common sense and all that happened was that i made a black mark on the floor. My mum was really angry at me and locked me in my room for like a whole 10 minutes and i cried like cat being bummed by an elephant on viagra.
I also thought i wud do a bit of cooking, my idea of cooking was to put potatoes in orange juice and boil them for 7 hours. Not only did i make a fire in the kitchen but the potatoes ddnt exactly taste like brad pitts face, it tasted more like jack blacks ass. so i decided i wasnt gonna be a chef. But i think i was sub-consciously building myself up to be accident prone.
Its funny how many things i have done in life that lead me to writing the sentence “and then i broke my face”. Yes i am aware that it is not a medical possibility, but its sounds more dramatic, and i like it. when i was 7 i went abroad for the first time to this place called portugal, its basically spain but with a different name and in a different place. anyways, u kno those blow up rings u take in the sea, well i had one of those around my head with my arms behind it. I walked over this road, tripped, couldnt put my arms out and smashed my face into the concrete floor and was almost hit by a car. Yes my nose broke, but i had it taped back together by the quality portugese doctors for a discount price of £120 :-I.
If you would like to hear more about my unfortunate events buy my autobiography entitled “FaceBreak” in all good book stores now.
Im done writing about this now, ill continue it when i feel like it. As for now im gonna get ready for work. By the way if you got interested in my blog then theres a serious chance u have a mental condition and i strongly suggest a psychiatrist.
Ok first right
like who calls a blog thing tumblr?
Anyway My name is Dean and i have no idea why i joined this, basically right now i’m drinking coke and looking at a 50p coin and wondering why its not as shiny as old head-teachers head. Perhaps i wont make this blog that detailed, but like, i have a habit of saying the first thing that comes to my head, which isn’t always to my benefit.
I don’t even know what im doing right now, i mean i typed up “Google My Dad” in this box on here and now its like one of my posts. and yeah my URL is retarded, yes my friends i am aware of this. you may be asking yourself something along the lines of “What the hell is a Galimimus Gastrocnemius?” or “who is this nutjob?” - well ill answer you.
A gallimimus is one of the smallest upright dinosaurs of the Jurassic period, and a Gastrocnemius is a muscle in your thigh. Why is this my URL u ask? well it doesnt make any sense and thats precisely the reason. Dont u just hate spellcheck though!!! thinks i spelt Gastrocnemius wrong and i well didn’t! i proper checked it on Wiki and shizznazz.
So ive gotta make a point to these blogs right? well im gonna document my very average life bit by bit i guess. so most recently i became a pedo (ask my girlfriends mum) its ok im 20 and shes 16. oh yeah, time for a serious note; My girlfriend is awesome and i love her very much, and when i work out how to put her face on my blog space then things will be ace. yes that did rhyme, and no it was not funny or clever, but i propely reckon whatever else u were looking at in ur other tab was far more boring - now get off DateMyNan.com and hush up bitches, cuz i feel like telling u about my childhood, and no its wasnt a black abyss u dotcom dickwipe.
check out my blog - i dont know what it will be called yet but it will be the one that isnt this one or my 3rd one :-I